My Life Is In Shambles, Part 9823982392

Well the ole’ Ranger broke down on me again yesterday so I was forced to rent a car. I don’t know much about cars but I can tell you two things: it’s white and overly fragile. Oh, and apparently I can’t tote Riley around in it which means her entertainment for the evening was chasing the stray cats around the fenced-in pool at my apartment.  (RIP little soldiers.)


Typically, I drive the Ranger as if it’s an Army Tank. I run over curbs, into buildings, mailboxes, holiday projectors (I did them a favor with that one) and even some small humans. (Probably another favor) (KIDDING - CALM DOWN) I drive with one hand, I drive with no hands, I drive with my knees and sometimes I even drive with my teeth so you can see why driving something I have to handle with such great care is no easy task for me.


After about 8 minutes of keeping my eyes on the road and two hands on the wheel, I realized I was not cut out for this kind of labor; after all, I am no workhorse. Around the same time I had this realization, I happened to be passing by a student driving school so I did what any rational adult would do and pulled on in to pick up my own personal student driver, claiming I was the instructor for the day. At the time I was congratulating myself on the most genius idea ever:  a fifteen year old under the impression that his license depends on my judgment of his driving, but what I did not consider is that little Carlos would be a little too timid and never accelerate past 70 MPH no matter how hard you peer pressured him. What a little bitch.


Needless to say, I kicked Carlos to the curb pretty quickly, making him hitchhike back to the driving school and forcing me to get back behind the wheel. It took me a solid hour to get home today and it normally takes just 15 in the truck. I am completely worn out and I will be billing that deadbeat child’s parents for my time which should make up for the money I lost in calling into work for the rest of the week until the Ranger's fixed... A girl can only do so much.
  Some great times in the Ranger; not even having to look at the road.

 

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