For All You Single Ladies

Good afternoon long lost friends!

I apologize for the lack of recent postings but I’ve been under the weather drunk. I've also been avoiding Facebook at all costs; instead of checking it every hour on the hour, I only check it every few hours. In case you haven't logged on lately, let me get you up to date:

With a little bit of this in between:

Meanwhile, while you assholes are in love and smiling from ear to ear, I'm over here like:

For all of you single ladies in the same boat, let me assure you that despite the way it may appear, you are not the only ones who can’t catch a man with a full head of hair if your life depended on it.

 Let me make you feel better by summing up a few recent dating stories:

1.     After a few good dates, we have plans during rush hour traffic. He is supposed to pick me up but just an hour before our plans, I receive a text saying “Would you mind driving? I get nervous in traffic.” ……NERVOUS.IN.TRAFFIC?!!! A grown man!

2.     A first date that is going seemingly well until:

Him: Would you ever be in a wet T-shirt contest?

Me: Um. No.

Him: So is that a strong no then?

Me: Yes.

Him: Check please!

3.     A first date in which the guy orders a martini. FOR HIMSELF. Next thing you know he will be telling me he has a small dog too.

4.     A first kiss in which he literally sticks his tongue in my mouth and rests it there. That’s right, just plops it in and doesn’t move. My mouth is not a Motel 6, buddy. Deal.breaker.

So while I’m thrilled that everyone is happily engaged, frankly I’m a little confused where all these great catches are coming from? Or maybe they aren’t such a great catch after all! So next time you see that yet another happy couple got engaged, just remember that he probably stole the engagement ring.